Library Mama

A while back, I mentioned that I was doing a pirate picture book bibliography. I’m feeling a little too lazy to post everything up here, but it’s here – Not Too Scary Pirate Books.

Did I say that Mr. FP would never stop listening to Snack Time? Ha ha! Well, he’s probably still listening to it in amnachaidh’s car, but in my car, we are now listening to Peg Leg Tango by Captain Bogg and Salty I’m now hearing “I am a pirate in this world” and “There’s a pirate party shakin’ on the ship!” around the house. Their web sites all seem to be down, but there are a few copies of their two more recent albums (this one included) left on Amazon. This is pirate fun for all ages.

A little more about tantrums: The parenting book I last reviewed, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline was recommended by a friend, who heard about it in her Raising Your Spirited Child class. I’ve a couple friends now who took that class, and both have noted remarkable increase in harmony and cooperation since then. Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is on my reading list. Last week I heard from another friend with a four-year-old that reading just the first two chapters of her more recent book, Kids, Parents and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime took tantrums from ten to fourteen down to two a day. I’ll have to interloan it to get hold of it, but I didn’t want to deprive any of y’all that might be in need of such assistance until then. Also still on my parenting to-read list is How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, who also wrote Siblings without Rivalry, which I reviewed a while back.

A friend with two kids recommended that I read sibling books before I needed them, as I wouldn’t have time afterwards. I’d heard this was good and had been recommending it, so I thought I should actually read it.

Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish As far as I can tell, the major conflict in siblings books is what to do when siblings fight: do you let them work it out themselves, try to solve their problems for them, or just punish all involved parties without trying to arbitrate? This classic book from the authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk brings a nuanced yet simple-to-implement solution to this as well as many other classic sibling problems. The answer to the first question is first to see if anyone is getting hurt, physically or verbally. If they are, describe what you see, say that hurting is not allowed, and separate them to give them time to cool off. If there isn’t imminent danger, have both of them describe the problem, describe each side back to them. Then tell them that it’s a difficult problem, but you’re sure that they will be able to find a solution. Then leave the room, telling them where you’ll be. They recommend never taking sides yourself, voting only as a very last resort, and not punishing. The last is to protect the other child, as a punished child will be out for revenge and see the sibling, as responsible for the punishment.

Of course, that chapter comes close to the end of a book, following on topics like avoiding comparisons and assigning roles. Every chapter includes a discussion of the topic, stories from group participants, cartoons for three different age levels illustrating the good and bad way to handle the problems, and summaries at the end of the chapter. Faber and Mazlish are experts on the topic, both as parents and as students of Haim Ginott, the eminent psychologist. Their techniques have been worked out in lots and lots of groups over the past couple of decades, but they still include a lengthy resource list at the back in case you want more. In spite of the title, they are reassuring in saying that rivalry will happen in the best of families. The techniques are invaluable for anyone who has to deal with multiple children, whether or not they are siblings. The book might even shed some light on your relationship with your adult siblings.

1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan I am always suspicious of parenting books that say, "If our method doesn't work for you, you're not following the instructions correctly." Different kids work very differently. At any rate, this is a punishment-based book. Your kids are out to get you, says Phelan, and you'd better punish them quickly before they get out of hand. Don't talk to them, because kids aren't capable of reasoning. The only punishment he offers is the time-out, a popular one to be sure, but ineffective for some kids, and emotionally difficult for others. This emphasis on instant obedience without understanding seems geared to produce adults who can say they're "just following orders". After you've gotten the worst of their bad behavior out of them, you can start using some rewards and praise to encourage good behavior, and then you might actually start to like your kids. The author appears to be a pediatrician who leaves most of the actual kid-rearing to his wife, and this book is based on his experience with patients who have followed his advice and come back and said that it works. There's a lot of research out there on discipline techniques and their effect on child behavior and psychology, but Phelan doesn't reference or appear to have read any of it. He is also very rigid, saying, for example, that there is no excuse for parents and children to be in the same bed together ever, even in cases of nightmares, illness, or thunderstorms.

This is an enormously popular book, though. It seems to me that the appeal is primarily that he offers one simple solution to the difficult problem of parenting. Also, the idea that kids are primarily savages with no naturally good impulses who need to suffer when they do something wrong is pretty deeply held in our society. Phelan's approach appeals to that by telling parents that they can be in control, even though their kids really are out to get them. The best I can say about it is that it is consistent and avoids yelling and hitting. From my own experience, the little of Phelan's style that has crept into my own since reading his book has made me less patient and everyone in our household less happy.