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Jun. 24th, 2008 08:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
library_mamaI'm way, way behind on all my reviews, having been sick in bed and reading a lot for two weeks. But here's a start:
A number of my friends with four-year-olds and close to fours have been complaining of resurgent tantrums, worse than two, resistant to the usual disciplinary techniques. Of course, librarian that I am, I turn to books. This one was recommended by a friend with a very difficult child.
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: the 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation by Becky A. Bailey Real discipline needs to start with the parents, and start with love. Bailey starts by going over seven key “Powers for Self-Control” that are then applied to the seven discipline skills. For example, one of the seven powers is “Attention: What you focus on, you get more of.” Applied to discipline, therefore, you need to focus on how you want your child to behave, not what he or she is doing wrong, and be assertive about it. Although she’s absolutely right that parents need to look at their own behavior first, I found this first section a little condescending, as well as high on the touchy-feely to content ratio. If you’re short on time, read the headlines and bullets in this section and save full reading for the meatier section later on where she dissects typical problems and how to address them. She divides difficulties into adult and child-based problems – areas where your child isn’t doing what you want, versus where you aren’t doing what your child wants. She has helpful advice on effective praise (an area where I’m always looking for help, since so much typical praise, such as “Good boy” and “Good job” has been shown to be counterproductive. ) Very helpful are the fill-in-the blank conversations that occur throughout the book, as well as a good-sized section of anecdotes by problem to help you review. She also provides a seven-week program, where you focus on one or two skills a week and build up. This is a lot of practical and well-researched parenting help.
- If we want our children to listen, we need to make it clear by getting close to them, waiting for their attention, then using clear language and big gestures to show what we want. “It’s time to put your clothes on now” rather than “Put your clothes on, OK?”
- “Don’t make me __” and “__, OK?” is giving your power to your child. First children tend to want your approval more than power. Second children will tend to test how much power they have in the family and push the limits harder.
- Find the very nicest motivation you can for your child’s misbehavior. Then show them and practice immediately an appropriate method to achieve their goal. “You wanted __. But you may not ___. ___ hurts. A better way is ___. Let’s practice right now.”
- If a child is getting beaten on, ask them how they felt about it. If you get a tentative response, practice assertive verbal defense.
- Children in the middle of a tantrum or other very strong emotion are in their animal brain and can’t reason. Describing what they are doing with their bodies can lead them to a point where they can understand words again. Then you can suggest what they might (and might is key) be feeling, and proceed to better ways of dealing with the problem.
- Children under 5 can’t transpose from your “don’t” statement to what they should be doing. If you say “Don’t climb on the table,” they see themselves climbing on the table.
- Children under 7 can’t hear themselves thinking in their heads, meaning they also have difficulty thinking through the consequences of an action.
- Chronic difficulties require problem-solving, not consequences.
- 5 minutes of one-on-one play a day to keep bad behavior away
- A discussion of challenges at different stages and why children at each stage must disobey (and you must correct them.)
A number of my friends with four-year-olds and close to fours have been complaining of resurgent tantrums, worse than two, resistant to the usual disciplinary techniques. Of course, librarian that I am, I turn to books. This one was recommended by a friend with a very difficult child.
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: the 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation by Becky A. Bailey Real discipline needs to start with the parents, and start with love. Bailey starts by going over seven key “Powers for Self-Control” that are then applied to the seven discipline skills. For example, one of the seven powers is “Attention: What you focus on, you get more of.” Applied to discipline, therefore, you need to focus on how you want your child to behave, not what he or she is doing wrong, and be assertive about it. Although she’s absolutely right that parents need to look at their own behavior first, I found this first section a little condescending, as well as high on the touchy-feely to content ratio. If you’re short on time, read the headlines and bullets in this section and save full reading for the meatier section later on where she dissects typical problems and how to address them. She divides difficulties into adult and child-based problems – areas where your child isn’t doing what you want, versus where you aren’t doing what your child wants. She has helpful advice on effective praise (an area where I’m always looking for help, since so much typical praise, such as “Good boy” and “Good job” has been shown to be counterproductive. ) Very helpful are the fill-in-the blank conversations that occur throughout the book, as well as a good-sized section of anecdotes by problem to help you review. She also provides a seven-week program, where you focus on one or two skills a week and build up. This is a lot of practical and well-researched parenting help. - If we want our children to listen, we need to make it clear by getting close to them, waiting for their attention, then using clear language and big gestures to show what we want. “It’s time to put your clothes on now” rather than “Put your clothes on, OK?”
- “Don’t make me __” and “__, OK?” is giving your power to your child. First children tend to want your approval more than power. Second children will tend to test how much power they have in the family and push the limits harder.
- Find the very nicest motivation you can for your child’s misbehavior. Then show them and practice immediately an appropriate method to achieve their goal. “You wanted __. But you may not ___. ___ hurts. A better way is ___. Let’s practice right now.”
- If a child is getting beaten on, ask them how they felt about it. If you get a tentative response, practice assertive verbal defense.
- Children in the middle of a tantrum or other very strong emotion are in their animal brain and can’t reason. Describing what they are doing with their bodies can lead them to a point where they can understand words again. Then you can suggest what they might (and might is key) be feeling, and proceed to better ways of dealing with the problem.
- Children under 5 can’t transpose from your “don’t” statement to what they should be doing. If you say “Don’t climb on the table,” they see themselves climbing on the table.
- Children under 7 can’t hear themselves thinking in their heads, meaning they also have difficulty thinking through the consequences of an action.
- Chronic difficulties require problem-solving, not consequences.
- 5 minutes of one-on-one play a day to keep bad behavior away
- A discussion of challenges at different stages and why children at each stage must disobey (and you must correct them.)
