Protecting the Gift
May. 14th, 2008 02:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
We were talking in my mother’s group about what to teach our children about strangers. We want our kids to be safe, we said, but we also don’t want them walking around scared of everybody. How do you make friends if you never talk to anyone you don’t know? One crunchy mother recommended this book, and the recommendation was seconded by a colleague with a much more mainstream parenting approach.
Protecting the Gift by Gavin De Becker
To understand the title, it helps to know that De Becker’s first book was The Gift of Fear, about paying attention to fear to protect yourself, without going around being terrified all the time. I haven’t read it yet, but non-parent types reading here might take a look at that one first. This book is geared towards parents, and is about protecting children from all kinds of violence. He contends that by knowing where real danger lies and learning how to recognize and guard against that, parents can relax the rest of the time.
To begin with, he says, teaching children “Don’t talk to strangers” is useless. We talk to strangers all the time, for one thing, and children usually think of a stranger as a strange looking person – not exactly helpful when predators usually look like normal people. Instead, first of all, don’t expect young children to be able to keep track of you or to recognize suspicious people. Teach children lost in public places to look for a woman to help them find you, rather than a security guard or police officer. Police officers may not be readily available or distinguishable from security guards, and security guards contain a high percentage of violent offenders.
Parents are often terrified that their children will be kidnapped. De Becker says that this is so rare that parents shouldn’t worry – your child is more likely to die of heart disease, which we rightly don’t worry about – but just for reassurance, he gives a list of things that predators do to gain trust. These include forced teaming (“I have a son just your age”), stereotyping (“You’re probably one of those overprotective parents”), unsolicited promises or offers of help, and ignoring “no”. In a later chapter, there are twelve specific skills to teach children, mastery of which is an indication that children are ready to do such things as walking to school or taking the bus by themselves.
Most children, however, if they are abused are abused by people they are familiar with. This is the truth that is so scary that many parents are afraid to face it. There are individual chapters for evaluating babysitters, daycares, schools and your children’s friends, including letters to send to indicate your safety expectations. Make sure you know that your babysitter is capable of dealing with a medical emergency or intruder, he says. Make sure to check references for babysitters, licenses for daycares, safety policies for daycares and schools.
But what about the neighbor or uncle who preys on children? Again, De Becker gives warning signs: paying attention only to one child, not the rest of the family; giving inappropriate or unexpected gifts; too much touching; seeking time alone with the child, as well as signs that abuse is taking place. Above all, remember that your child’s safety is more important than keeping peace or being polite.
Finally, there are separate chapters on keeping teenaged girls and boys safe – girls mostly from predators and boys from bullies and dangerous, unbalanced friends. At the risk of offending gun advocates, he goes into depth on gun safety and children, whether you decide to keep guns or not, and including a letter to gun manufacturers urging them to put child safety locks on guns.
The book includes some stories both of thwarted and successful violence, both alarming. De Becker is himself a survivor of abuse and a personal safety advisor to many high-profile people, so he knows what he’s talking about. The book isn’t necessarily calming to read, but the increased real safety is worth it for all parents

To understand the title, it helps to know that De Becker’s first book was The Gift of Fear, about paying attention to fear to protect yourself, without going around being terrified all the time. I haven’t read it yet, but non-parent types reading here might take a look at that one first. This book is geared towards parents, and is about protecting children from all kinds of violence. He contends that by knowing where real danger lies and learning how to recognize and guard against that, parents can relax the rest of the time.
To begin with, he says, teaching children “Don’t talk to strangers” is useless. We talk to strangers all the time, for one thing, and children usually think of a stranger as a strange looking person – not exactly helpful when predators usually look like normal people. Instead, first of all, don’t expect young children to be able to keep track of you or to recognize suspicious people. Teach children lost in public places to look for a woman to help them find you, rather than a security guard or police officer. Police officers may not be readily available or distinguishable from security guards, and security guards contain a high percentage of violent offenders.
Parents are often terrified that their children will be kidnapped. De Becker says that this is so rare that parents shouldn’t worry – your child is more likely to die of heart disease, which we rightly don’t worry about – but just for reassurance, he gives a list of things that predators do to gain trust. These include forced teaming (“I have a son just your age”), stereotyping (“You’re probably one of those overprotective parents”), unsolicited promises or offers of help, and ignoring “no”. In a later chapter, there are twelve specific skills to teach children, mastery of which is an indication that children are ready to do such things as walking to school or taking the bus by themselves.
Most children, however, if they are abused are abused by people they are familiar with. This is the truth that is so scary that many parents are afraid to face it. There are individual chapters for evaluating babysitters, daycares, schools and your children’s friends, including letters to send to indicate your safety expectations. Make sure you know that your babysitter is capable of dealing with a medical emergency or intruder, he says. Make sure to check references for babysitters, licenses for daycares, safety policies for daycares and schools.
But what about the neighbor or uncle who preys on children? Again, De Becker gives warning signs: paying attention only to one child, not the rest of the family; giving inappropriate or unexpected gifts; too much touching; seeking time alone with the child, as well as signs that abuse is taking place. Above all, remember that your child’s safety is more important than keeping peace or being polite.
Finally, there are separate chapters on keeping teenaged girls and boys safe – girls mostly from predators and boys from bullies and dangerous, unbalanced friends. At the risk of offending gun advocates, he goes into depth on gun safety and children, whether you decide to keep guns or not, and including a letter to gun manufacturers urging them to put child safety locks on guns.
The book includes some stories both of thwarted and successful violence, both alarming. De Becker is himself a survivor of abuse and a personal safety advisor to many high-profile people, so he knows what he’s talking about. The book isn’t necessarily calming to read, but the increased real safety is worth it for all parents