The No-Cry Discipline Solution

[library_mama]

The No-Cry Discipline Solution by Elizabeth Pantley “No-cry” may sound radical, but this is a gentle and practical guide to parenting. Pantley starts out with a chapter devoted to parenting myths, such as, “If my kids don’t behave all the time, I must be doing something wrong.” Kids will misbehave, and you will do things you’ll wish you hadn’t. Then she covers a basic theory of discipline: understanding why children misbehave, looking at the long term to decide what’s important when dealing with younger children. She has chapters dealing with major everyday problems such as tantrums, whining and hitting. An important and unusual chapter deals with managing your own anger and frustration as a parent. These are the core of the book, but the second half or so is devoted to short sections on a multitude of common problems with targeted solutions, such as biting, trouble with daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, and so on. I don’t agree with her on everything – I’d wish for a more nuanced discussion of praise, for example. I do like the approach, starting with a discussion of each problem, how to prevent it from happening in the first place and what to do when it happens. In an analogy that stuck with me, Pantley says that having just one or two parenting techniques is like having a little sandwich baggy of solutions. If they don’t work, you’re out of luck. She aims instead to offer you a laundry bag full of techniques, for you to practice and find ones that work for you and your family. Pantley may not have any child-related degrees, but she knows what she’s talking about. In addition to four children of her own, ranging from primary school to college, she has done a lot of research, both of the reading and the hands-on variety. Her methods are tested with a couple hundred kids, from several countries, of many ages, and from many different types of families. They are aimed at raising loving, happy and functional adults, as well as maintaining peace and order now. This is an extremely useful and excellent book.

Comments

[arovd.livejournal.com]

this might be asking too much, but could you possibly give an brief example of some parenting technique she uses... such as the solution for biting, or something like that? I'd like to get a better idea of what type of parenting she's advocating.

ALWAYS looking for more tips! :)

[sapphireone.livejournal.com]

It's not too much to ask... reasonable, in fact. I should have put it in the review in the first place. But I think I'd need the book with me to do it justice; I haven't had 5 minutes on the computer at home in a couple of weeks, and keep forgetting to bring the book with me. I'll try to remember!

[sapphireone.livejournal.com]

OK... today I have the book.

From Part 1: Essential Parenting Attitudes, chapter The Four Parts of to Discipline
"As I see it, there are four distinct parts to the purpose and goal of discipline.
1. To correct immediate behavior
2. To teach a lesson
3. To give tools that build self-discipline and emotional control
4. To build the parent/child relationship"

In this chapter, she offers a short situation that includes biting, illustrating the four parts. i'll omit the names of the steps.
"Situation: Your child is upset with a playmate and bites her on the arm.
1. Separate the children. Provide attention and care to the child who was bitten.
2. Get down to your child's level, put your hands on her shoulders, look her in the eye, and say, "Biting hurts. We don't bite. Offer Emmy a hug. That might make her feel better."
3. Offer your child a few hints on how she should handle her frustration next time. "If you want a toy, you can ask nicely for it, or you can come to Mommy for help."
4. Show your child that you are on her side even when she makes mistakes. Demonstrate that she can count on you to teach her how to handle strong emotions. "

From the section in part three on Biting (mostly the key points, not whole paragraphs)
"Think about it
...they don't quite know how to control their feelings, and they don't have any concept of hurting another person... it most likely isn't an act of aggression...
"What to Do
o Watch and intercept ...you may be able to stop a bite before it occurs...
o Teach [see conversation above]
o Give your child lessons on how she should handle frustrations. ...
o Avoid playful biting...
o Give more attention to the injured child...
o Handle the repeat offender... you can respond with more intensity. [At this point, time-out is OK.]
o React even when you don't see it. ...talk with your child about what happened. Limit yourself to a few brief, specific comments... Reading children's books ... on the topic, role-playing, and demonstrating appropriate actions can all help your child learn how to respond to her own emotionsi n socially apporpriate ways.
o Provide first aid.

What Not to Do
o Don't respond emotionally [Anger followed by punishment is the instinct, and it's inneffective.]
o Don't bite back...
o Don't assume that your child is willfully misbehaving...
o Don't yell at your child."

----
And on biting, from an article an old daycare teacher gave us - young toddlers especially can bite friends because they just need to bite. Serving bacon or other chewy foods at daycare breakfasts significantly reduced biting incidents in a study.

I hope this is more helpful, anyway!

[arovd.livejournal.com]

That's very helpful, thank you! I found an icon that made me think of you, if you want it:



(please credit ainabarad_icons if you use it, I didn't make it - it just looked like it should be yours!)