1-2-3 Magic

[library_mama]

1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan I am always suspicious of parenting books that say, "If our method doesn't work for you, you're not following the instructions correctly." Different kids work very differently. At any rate, this is a punishment-based book. Your kids are out to get you, says Phelan, and you'd better punish them quickly before they get out of hand. Don't talk to them, because kids aren't capable of reasoning. The only punishment he offers is the time-out, a popular one to be sure, but ineffective for some kids, and emotionally difficult for others. This emphasis on instant obedience without understanding seems geared to produce adults who can say they're "just following orders". After you've gotten the worst of their bad behavior out of them, you can start using some rewards and praise to encourage good behavior, and then you might actually start to like your kids. The author appears to be a pediatrician who leaves most of the actual kid-rearing to his wife, and this book is based on his experience with patients who have followed his advice and come back and said that it works. There's a lot of research out there on discipline techniques and their effect on child behavior and psychology, but Phelan doesn't reference or appear to have read any of it. He is also very rigid, saying, for example, that there is no excuse for parents and children to be in the same bed together ever, even in cases of nightmares, illness, or thunderstorms.

This is an enormously popular book, though. It seems to me that the appeal is primarily that he offers one simple solution to the difficult problem of parenting. Also, the idea that kids are primarily savages with no naturally good impulses who need to suffer when they do something wrong is pretty deeply held in our society. Phelan's approach appeals to that by telling parents that they can be in control, even though their kids really are out to get them. The best I can say about it is that it is consistent and avoids yelling and hitting. From my own experience, the little of Phelan's style that has crept into my own since reading his book has made me less patient and everyone in our household less happy.

Comments

[arovd.livejournal.com]

i read and used "1-2-3 Magic - for Teachers" this summer on the recommendation of my field supervisor. I can't say I loved it, but it was an interesting compromise between my own natural style and the style already in use at the daycare (threatening, yelling, very extensive time-outs that weren't called time-outs, etc). The 1-2-3 method was certainly less punitive and more effective than what they had been using...

background - i was in a low-income high-risk daycare, trying to do social work. :)

[elaine-alina.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with you that this method (any method) is not for all kids. Kids are unique individuals, so there can't be one method that will fit all. On the other hand, I have read the book and have enjoyed some success with its method. I like the fact that it helps me to stay consistent (my natural tendency is to explain things differently if a prior explanation does not seem to have been understood (e.g. the misbehavior is repeated)) each time and it alerts the kids to the fact that they're misbehaving without us saying anything negative to them (or inflicting physical harm). It's not the only thing I use, but it's been a useful tool for many types of misbehavior. I somehow missed the kids as savages out to get you attitude that hit you so hard - probably glossed over it along with the marketing hype.

[sapphireone.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing your experiences with this, Elaine. I really appreciate your thoughts. Many of the books I have read, for what it's worth, would have no problem with you explaining things multiple ways different times, saying that kids need time to learn. I think that one of my basic complaints with the book is that its only goal seems to be obedience. If obedience is the goal, then it probably would work. I want a system, or thinking, that's looking to instill empathy (and critical thinking), as well as obedience, because without empathy, the obedience is only there as long as the threat of punishment is real. Of course, you can use other methods to develop values as well as obedience. I also don't like that it puts all the burden for good behavior on the kids - in all the discussions of kids whining for unhealthy pre-suppertime snacks, for example, he never suggests giving the kids a snack earlier, setting out healthy appetizers, or not keeping junk food in the house in the first place.

But I have read enough Alfie Kohn to be distrustful of behaviorist discipline methods in general. "Unconditional Parenting" was the book I read; there's good shorter articles on-line at http://www.alfiekohn.com/articles.htm . The "Atrocious Advice from 'Supernanny,'" and "Five Reasons to Stop Saying 'Good Job!'" are particularly applicable.